Two months ago, on a Sunday morning, I wrote this entry. Reading it again makes me smile – I remember all of these feelings vividly. Yowza! Here it is!
(Two months earlier…)
Or so say two tests so far this morning. So says my sore boobs and my heartburn. So says how hyper-conscious I am of feelings in my lower abdomen. So says mood swings. So says the fact that I could smell peanut butter on my husband’s breath while he sat 6 feet away from me eating Reeses pieces on soft serve.
I’ve thought for the last few days that this might be the one that took. I’ve been experiencing all those feelings I listed but writing them off. The boob pain and tiny cramps and mood swings (did anyone else cry that hard in “Inside Out?”) were part of PMS. The heartburn was due to the embarrassing amount of chili I ate over the past week for lunch every day. The heightened smell isn’t heightened smell – it is just my undying love for peanut butter based candy. I didn’t want to take the last test in the house because I didn’t want to get my hopes up – I’d resolved to waiting another 2-3 weeks before I knew FOR SURE that my period was more than just late. But I woke up this morning after a restless sleep and just wanted to know. So I took the test and let it sit alone in the bathroom for 5 minutes. I came out to the living room and had a glass of water, looked around on facebook, read an article about how Donald Trump is a menace for the GOP.
Then I went back into our bathroom. I closed my eyes, picked up the test, and expected to be disappointed. But there was the word “Yes.” There was the plus sign. Is that really what it says? Look away from the test then look back again. It still says “YES.” Yes. Yes as in yes you are not pregnant, like you expected? No. Yes as in your eggo is preggo. There was lots of crying. There were a few expletives. There was lots of pacing. There were many double, triple takes back at the test. I took a picture, just to be sure. Then I went to the store, bought coconut water and 2 more tests and came home. Took one more test, did some laundry, came back to check and there was another plus sign.
This is so surreal. I fear getting my hopes up about this being true – could I actually be pregnant? Could all these signs and those two tests be right? Why isn’t my doctor ready and available on a Sunday morning? I need to know for sure right now this very minute. I want this to be true. If it isn’t true, its ok. We’re young and healthy and have plenty of time.
But if it is true, whoa. How do you be pregnant? How do you mother another human, for whom you are the one and only mother? How do you share parenthood, share another person, with your partner? Will I be a good mom? Will Eli be a good dad? You fall in love with someone really hard in a way that feels like you fell and can never get back up but you’re ok with it – you love them more than anything. And part of those feelings make you say things like “You’ll be such a good dad one day.” But until it is actually true and it is time for him to be a dad aren’t you sort of only just saying it? I’m sure he will be a good dad.
I’ve been reading about pregnancy all morning and several youtube doctors have told me that one cup of coffee per day is ok. But I feel guilty drinking this coffee. This is so weird. (Editors note: I didn’t finish the coffee. It gave me heartburn and I felt holier-than-thou/moral-high-ground-y throwing it down the drain.)
I want to tell everyone I know – I want to tell Eli and my mom and my sisters and my friends and his parents and our grandparents right now. But wouldn’t that be irresponsible? Shouldn’t I wait to hear from a doctor first? I’m already making rash decisions – what will happen when I have to decide on behalf of this new human. Did I just feel a kick? Can cells kick? I’m going nuts.
I feel restless. I’ve already done a bunch of laundry, but I should clean the kitchen too. I should start cleaning out the second bedroom – there’s only so much time before another person will live in there. (Editors note: The second bedroom still looks like Hiroshima.) I should do more laundry. There are drums everywhere in this house – they take up so much space. What if this new person is a drummer too? Will I die by drowning in drums? Will life ever be quiet again?
Maybe this is what its like to do drugs – I feel crazy and restless but calm and introspective all at the same time. I keep thinking to myself that for the only time in the rest of my life during these last few hours before Eli gets home, it is just me and the baby. We’re the only two people in existence who know about each other. Wow. “The baby.” The baby.
The baby will grow up into a person who lives and makes decisions and mistakes and creates things no one else has created or will create. The baby will be unique. The baby will be loved by us, by their friends, by their partner. Maybe the baby will get married and have their own babies one day. My friend just sent me a picture of Vice President Biden leaning down to greet Sasha Obama as the President and First Lady look on. Beau Biden is standing behind the Vice President, smiling. He was a baby once, and he lived an amazing life, but then he got sick. How can parents have children and not be terrified with every fiber of their being that their baby won’t get sick one day. I feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I could burst.
This is scary but this is exciting. I love being alone in knowing about this – I love that the baby and I are the only ones who know right now – alone in the world. But I can’t wait until Eli gets home.